"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who are we to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marienne Williamson

If there is anyone out there that is living beneath their potential, or not dreaming anymore, or feeling a little BLAH (or WAY blah), do something about that today! Life is so much more beautiful when we are progressing and being all that we can be. I'd love to help you. I am working on a coaching and mentoring business that I will tell you about later. But I'd love to talk to anyone that is interested. Leave a comment, or send me an email and I will get you started on this amazing journey.

When one door closes another one always opens. TRUE, but you know what sucks? The hallway in between.

Just as the sun came up on May 2nd Ilija and I pulled our sweet son up into our arms. We are so excited and happy to welcome Sasha Jack Vrajich into our home. He was born at 6:49 weighing in at 8 lbs even looking like quite a wrinkled old man/reptile. He was born at home in a birth tub. He nursed almost immediately and is an expert already. He has his daddy's dimples and the cutest smiles when he is sleeping. I expected him to look more like Peja then he actually does. It is so fun having a baby to snuggle with and it is amazing how HUGE Peja seems now. If you like birth stories, you can read the following.






Since April 3rd (the day I was 37 weeks along) I was ready for this baby to come. I was very excited and basically thought or did nothing else. Finally around 39 weeks I decided that was dumb and tried to distract myself. It didn't work very well and I was constantly getting excited with every little contraction that kind of felt like it bothered me. I tried to stimulate labor LOTS of different ways, including acupuncture. To no avail. Finally on May 1st he decided he'd come. I had decided to hide myself in a hole to avoid the "you STILL haven't had that baby" comments so it was a good thing he came.

At around 7:30 or 8 Ilija and I were on an incredibly exciting date night of grocery shopping for our facility. I had a couple of contractions that kind of made me take notice. I tried not to get excited because I had been doing that for WAy too long. We picked up Peja, rented a movie and went home to put him to sleep and watch it. By 11:30, about half way through the movie I told Ilija that he had better start filling up the birth tub. He looked at me like "oh, this is it, okay, cool" and went about his job. I was resting in bed and had to get up every so often to sway my hips and breath through a contraction. They didn't feel great, but not bad as long as I wasn't laying down. So for the next hour and a half I did that as Ilija ran around all over town looking for a longer hose and a better attachment for the sink so we could fill up the birth tub (I guess we should have checked if ours worked earlier - oops!) Everything is closed in Atascadero by that time so we ended up with some stuff from my dad's house.

So Ilija got everything together and by that time I had to show him how to squeeze my hips during contractions because the back labor was quite uncomfortable. He was an expert! And often times saved me from A LOT of discomfort by his strong squeezes. He would often be shaking by the end of the contraction because he was working so hard, but he was a champ about it. Somewhere in here we had my mom come over and bring lots of towels and we called the midwife. I got in the tub and it was GLORIOUS, like if there was an sound track this part would have been angels singing "Hallelujah!", until a contraction came and it was exactly the same. But regardless, at least my down time felt heavenly. After a little while it felt like the contractions had really slowed down and I didn't want labor to slow at all - I wanted to get this show on the road!

So I got out and drank a really strong cup of raspberry leaf tea to make labor stronger and harder. It worked! Pretty soon I was having to be really vocal during contractions and I would yell "pressure" and someone (most of the time Il) would run to squeeze my hips. Somewhere in there I threw up a ton and peed all at the same time. There is nothing like labor to make you not care what kind of mess you are making of yourself. So I got back in the tub. It was so nice again. I had the midwife check my dilation before I got in to make sure I was far enough along so that labor wouldn't slow down. I asked not to know what my dilation was, just a yes or no to get in the tub. She said yes so in I went. I was in there for about and hour and a half and then I started to get REALLY hot and faint and worried I was losing too much energy. I got out and asked her to check if I had even progressed. She said yes I had.

As soon as I got out of the tub the contractions started coming fast and furious. I kept trying to lay down and take advantage of the break between contractions that I had had for the last few hours, but I made it as far as kneeling on the bed and every time I tried to start laying down another one would come. I know now this was transition, but I had no idea then. So I was on all fours on the bed and then I kind of propped myself up so that I was kneeling but in a more upright position - it seemed like it would make it easier for the baby to come down and holy cow did those contractions hurt! But it felt like something was happening and that made me excited so I didn't care. What seemed like a few minutes later my legs were shaking and I was so tired. I had to get down. It was really hard because that meant moving during contractions, but I made it to the birth stool so I could rest my legs.

Somewhere in here I spontaneously pushed with a contraction. I told the midwife and she said, "see if you can feel the babies head." So I checked and there it was - WOW! That meant I could push whenever I felt like it. So I felt like pushing the next contraction on the birth stool and the midwife (who was the apprentice) said "oh wow, you are going to be a fast pusher, let me go get Edana." (the real midwife). I hated the birth stool so I moved back into the tub. I was squatting and clinging for dear life to Ilija who was on the other side of the little tub wall. That urge to push is amazing! It took every ounce of strength I had to slow down at all and I didn't even do it very well. They kept telling me to slow down and breath and slow down my breath, but I was panting quickly and pushing like crazy with every contraction. It is so strange that incredible, involuntary push that happens. I was suprised by the strength of that urge. At some point as Sasha was crowning I realized that the back labor was gone so I sat back in the pool with Ilija behind me (still outside of the pool). A few more pushes and out came his head! They unwrapped the cord and then came his shoulders. Then he had kind of turned and his hips were still inside, but his arms and upper torso were out. He was facing up and had his eyes open and his arms moving. It was a little while before the next contraction that pushed the rest of him out so I just held him there in the water and got to see a glimpse of what it looks like for them to be in the womb. It was so surreal and special. He came out with the next push and Ilija and I together pulled him up into my arms. Oh it was so beautiful!

Peja had been awake for about 15 minutes (being distracted downstairs) and he came in right after we had the baby. He was very timid and asked me if I was swimming, but he had an interesting look on his face, like he knew something special had happened. I believe very strongly that at birth and death we are the closest we can get to God. The veil is very thin and I think a 2 year old can feel that even better then we can. It was such a sweet feeling to be able to climb into bed and snuggle with my sweetheart and two boys in my own home. I was so happy! and so very, very tired. My dad cooked an awesome breakfast and I chowed. Then we got to take a nap. That evening we had an AMAZING dinner that my dad cooked and some delicious chocolate cake with my parents, ils parents and my brothers over for a little "Birth"day party! How cool.

I will post more pictures when my mom brings the camera back from San Diego.
I will also post some thoughts on home birth from Ilija and I later.