I love this moment of total focus on my oldest when he was a toddler.

I just read through the last two posts about Ilija's "incident" and I was taken right back to all of the emotions. And I am just sitting here crying!

Life has gotten back to normal and I am kind of really sad about it! We are back to being stressed, and worrying about the floors needing to be mopped, and squabbling about uselessness, and going to the grocery store! It has only been a month, and everything is totally back to normal. I don't like it one bit!

Ilija and I both had such a clear picture of what was important immediately after this dying thing.

We didn't spend nearly as much time with media - and never when another person was in the room. We wanted to be with that person!

We didn't stress about not getting to the to-do list, because it will be there tomorrow still!

We didn't fight over ANYTHING because none of it matters as much as having someone else right there with you.

We didn't rush, or freak out, or obsess.

Life slowed WAY down, and we were all just people enjoying each other.

I REALLY MISS THAT!

How can we keep that in our life? Even though we still want to accomplish goals in our life, and bills still do need to be paid at some point, and we need to be good stewards of our things, and our children still need to be fed, cleaned and clothed, nurtured, taught and disciplined.

How can we do all those things while also holding on to the feelings of serenity, peace and love?

How can we be productive without being stressed about being productive? It seems like we are either blissfully in the moment and enjoying life, or we are stress-fully productive. Does it have to be either/or?

Do you have any ideas?

1. Listen to your body. If something really doesn't feel right don't wait for someone else to give you permission to get it checked. Just go get it checked.

So, It is 3:30 AM and here I am typing on a laptop in the dark. The baby woke up to nurse and now my mind is playing the last 24 hours over and over in my head and I can't sleep. I hope that writing this will help me to be able to sleep.

Last month we all got that flu going around. The one that lasts forever and feels terrible. As usual, Ilija was the last to get it. And he was complaining a lot about it (also as usual)! But then last Saturday he started to have some different symptoms. And by Tuesday he had a weird combination of symptoms so we took him in to the doctor. It didn't look like the flu anymore. He didn't have a fever, but he was SUPER weak. He couldn't eat more than a bite or drink more than a few sips. He was gaining weight even though he hadn't eaten in 4 days, except for a few apple slices. He hadn't had any BM's, his abdomen felt really bloated. He had a horrible, strong, non-productive cough. He could only take shallow breaths without needing to cough. And his blood pressure was normal (which is weird because it is usually high)

The doctor said his lungs were clear, his heart sounded great (except really fast), and there were no blockages in his intestines.

He was sent home with antibiotics (I'm still trying to figure out what those were for), a nasal spray for his chronic sinusitis, and a promise that he would be getting a call from a nephrologist. (They thought it might be related to his kidneys since he has IgA Nephropathy - a kidney auto-immune disease).

His cough kept getting worse. And he kept saying "something isn't right." And I kept telling him to buck up, this flu just lasts a long time, "you are fine!"

Then by Wednesday night he told me his heart was beating weird. I felt his chest and his heart was definitely palpitating and beating super weird. I tried taking his pulse and there wasn't even close to a regular rhythm. That scared me a little bit. But then I read that palpitations are usually no problem - they can be caused by stress, anxiety, caffeine, etc. So we went to bed. At 5:00 AM Thursday morning he woke me up because his coughing was so bad. I tried to get him to tell me if he wanted to go to the hospital, but he couldn't figure it out.

He hadn't slept well in days, he couldn't breath very well, he had no energy and could barely walk his body was so tired. Finally I realized he had shallow breathing and weird heart stuff and decided that was enough to warrant an ER visit. So, at 7:00 am I left the boys here with my mom (who is in town visiting THANKFULLY! Gift #1) and took the babe with us.

We walked in and told them, "shortness of breath and heart palpitations" and BAM! he was on a wheelchair and getting taken back for a full workup. Within 30 minutes he had had a chest x-ray, an EKG, a full blood panel, a urinalysis, and a nose swab. The only thing weird at this point was that his heart rate was really high, and when they did the chest X-ray I saw the picture pull up on the screen and his heart looked really big.



We learned what the magic words were for getting something done in the ER! At this point we were still laughing and joking with the nurses. I thought for sure we would be out soon.

He felt better being monitored. And so did I truthfully.

They decided to admit him to the hospital and keep an eye on his heart while we waited to meet with the nephrologist (Kidney doctor).

We went upstairs to the cardiac unit and hung out in his room. He was feeling much better already, and we were just sitting around chatting. I thought for sure we would be out by the afternoon.

I love this picture.

So, since we were just sitting around waiting, I decided to go home and help my mom with the boys for a bit. At one point while I was at home I was on the phone with him and he said, "hold on they need to stick me for some more blood," and he set the phone down. I heard the tech say "I'm sorry I have to poke you again buddy!" And then I heard them ask him "Do you need a rag for your forehead," "Ilija are you okay?" "Ilija can you tell me what is happening?" And I could hear him breathing really heavy. And then the phone hung up.